Priceless Parenting Blog

Helping Kids Control Negative Thoughts

Who will criticize your children the most as they grow up? They will! It is their own negative self-talk that they will hear most often.

Everyone’s mind produces a steady stream of thoughts. When these thoughts turn negative, fear, doubt and frustration quickly sets in. Stopping negative thoughts isn’t easy and it starts with actually noticing those thoughts.

What are your kids saying to themselves?

What your children say out loud gives you insight into what they are thinking. You know they are engaging in negative self-talk when you hear things like:

“I’m never going to get this!”
“Nobody likes me.”
“I can’t do it!”

Whether our children are struggling with school work, relationships or athletics, their thoughts can help or hinder them. Peter McWilliams put it this way, “Our thoughts create our reality -- where we put our focus is the direction we tend to go.”

Dr. Alison Arnold came to my daughter’s gymnastics center to work with the kids on the mental side of gymnastics. Like so many athletes, gymnasts need to be in control of their thoughts if they are to give their best performance.

(read the rest of the article at Priceless Parenting)

Handling teenage problems

Teens are known for behaving in ways that provide challenges for the best of parents! Laura Kastner, a psychologist who helps families with teens, is very familiar with the problems many parents encounter.

Kastner and writer Jennifer Wyatt's book, Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens, provides great ideas for handling tough situations like these:

Your teen tells you he's sleeping over at a friend's house but he actually went to a concert
Your daughter refuses to do her chores
Your son is skipping classes and doing poorly in school
Your teen is acting demanding and unappreciative
You find out your teen is drinking or using drugs

There are realistic dialogs between parents and teens throughout the book. These dialogs include comments analyzing some of the reasons behind the statements and the impact of those statements. If you have a challenging tween or teen, I'd highly recommend reading this book.

Are Chinese mothers superior?

Amy Chua discusses her answer to this question in her article "Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior". Chua's highest aspirations for her children are being the #1 student in all subjects that matter (this doesn’t include gym or drama), amazing musical performances and complete dedication in achieving these goals. Part of the dedication includes no play dates, sleepovers, TV or computer games.

She makes some interesting comparisons between Chinese and Western parenting which explain why so many Chinese children excel musically and academically. Although I appreciate musical and academic excellence, my fundamental view of the goals parenting is very different from Amy Chua's goals.

While I believe there is merit in doing well in school, this is not a focus of my parenting perhaps because …

• Some of the people I respect the least are extremely intelligent and use their intelligence to belittle and take advantage of other people.
• Someone very close to me attempted suicide after being unable to live up to his parents’ expectations.
• Although my parents did not push me, I pushed myself and did extremely well in school. I learned to give the teachers exactly what they wanted which sometimes meant holding my differing opinions to myself. Ultimately my focus on grades slowed me down from developing my own voice.

For my own children and what I teach in Priceless Parenting, the goal is to raise children who have a heart and find a way to use their passions and talents to improve the world. While my children happen to do well in school, I’m most proud of them being selected to represent the 6th graders at their school as Humanitarians.

I want to have a loving relationship with my children for the rest of my life. It’s up to them to decide how well they want to do in school and musically. I’ll love them regardless!

Is there a dark side to the relentless emphasis on academic excellence practiced by mothers like Chua? This article, “Asian Americans' Rising Suicide Rates -- Three Students Take their Lives”, describes some of the downsides.

What are your thoughts?

I sound just like my mother!

Have you ever found yourself saying something to your children that your parents used to say and that you swore you'd never say? A little scary isn't it?

What you heard as a child is deeply embedded in your memories. Even when you think you don't remember much from your childhood, it's somehow in there and you realize it only when you catch yourself acting just like your parents!

This can be a very good thing if your parents did an excellent job parenting. On the other hand, if there are things you'd rather do differently with your children, you have to work extra hard to make those changes. Part of the extra work is figuring out how you want to respond to your children's inappropriate behavior.

Reading parenting books and taking parenting classes are a couple good ways to get new ideas. You can also take an excellent online parenting class specifically for your child's age:

These classes can be started today from the comfort of your own home!

Stomping creativity out

Where do children learn they aren’t creative, can’t draw or sing? Although most young children gladly draw, sing and act, somewhere along the way many become self-conscious and judgmental of their efforts.

These negative self-evaluations may start when a parent, teacher or sibling criticizes a child’s writing or art work. Soon children learn that there is a “best” way to show creativity and their attempts don’t measure up and so they stop trying.

Sir Ken Robinson told this story at the 2006 TED Conference: “A little girl was in a drawing lesson, she was six and she was in the back drawing. The teacher said that this little girl hardly ever paid attention, but at this drawing lesson she did. The teacher was fascinated and went over to her and she said, ‘What are you drawing?’ The girl said, ‘I’m drawing a picture of God.’ The teacher said, ‘But nobody knows what God looks like.’ The girl said, ‘They will in a minute.’”

Wow! What confidence! How do we keep that bold certainty and creativity alive in our children? To the degree we can encourage our children's imagination instead of judging their efforts, they will learn to trust their creative impulses.

Problems leaving fun activities

It’s hard for children to leave fun activities. Recently I saw a couple parents walking away from a sledding hill with their crying young child in tow. They were explaining to him that he had been sledding enough for now and could come back again tomorrow. They also told him about the snacks they would enjoy once they got home. Do you think he stopped crying upon hearing this? No!

What he wanted to be doing right at that moment was more sledding. Their logical arguments didn’t change his feelings about wanting to go down the hill some more. He was upset and he wanted his parents to know!

His parents may have been more successful by acknowledging his feelings by saying something like, “You really feel sad. You wanted to keep sledding.” If their son continued crying, they may need to repeat this a few times. By showing empathy, their son is more likely to feel understood and be able to move on.

Is my child normal?

One of the most common questions from parents is about whether their child is normal. Parents of babies and toddlers have many questions like:

Is this behavior normal?
Should my child be able to say more words by now?
My child isn't walking yet. Is this normal?

Parents of older children also have concerns:

My child is easily distracted and has trouble focusing. Could this be ADHD?
My teen seems really withdrawn. Should I be doing something?
My child seems really influenced by peer pressure. Is this normal?

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention website has information on developmental milestones:

Young Children (3 months to 5-years-old)
Early Childhood (6 - 8 years old)
Middle Childhood (9 - 11 years old)
Early Adolescence (12 - 14 years old)
Middle Adolescence (15 - 17 years old)

Understanding what is normal at each age can help you figure out if your child needs some special attention or if it's simply age appropriate behavior.