Teaching Kids How to Reduce Their Negative Thinking

Negative thoughts can crop up like unwanted weeds threatening to choke out everything else. The tricky part about these negative thoughts is that they often sneak in quietly. They can start wreaking havoc before they’re detected.
When you notice your children getting frustrated and angry, you can bet there are some negative thoughts behind their behavior. I witnessed this one day when my son was in second grade working on a homework writing assignment. He made a mistake and erased it. He made another mistake and erased that. His anger and frustration grew with each attempt and soon there was a hole in the paper. Finally he scribbled out something to turn in and quit.
What I didn’t know then was how to help him out of the downward spiral he was in. Suggesting taking a break just made him even more upset. He ended up turning in his poorly completed assignment and received a poor grade. Noticing When Negative Thoughts Are Spinning Out of Control In his book, A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance, and Recapture the American Spirit, Tim Ryan tells a story about a friend's eight-year-old son, Mason. Mason was reading out loud to his Mom and struggling with it. Ryan writes "I happened to be visiting with them, so when he started crying, I decided to ask him what was wrong and he said, with tears streaming down his beet-red face, 'This book is just too hard for me!'" Ryan realized that Mason's emotions were getting in his way of reading. "Mason was tired, fussy, and upset with himself for not reading well. His pride was hurt, and he felt his inability to read meant that he wasn't smart. As his emotions got more out of control, each time he tried again to read, he quickly gave up." Wanting to help, Ryan waited until Mason stopped crying and then asked if he wanted help in understanding what just happened. Ryan explained to Mason how the emotional part of his brain was overriding the thinking part of his brain needed for reading. He described how he demonstrated this: “Then I started clowning a little and using my hands to demonstrate. One hand played the role of the part of the brain that helps in reading, and the other played the role of the brain governing emotions. I explained that when he got all revved up, the emotional part of the brain interfered with the part that helps him read. I made some weird noises and had one hand take over the other hand. Again and again, I made a silly noise and let the ‘emotional’ hand dominate the ‘reading’ hand.” Ryan then worked with Mason on following his breathing as a way to help calm his mind and body. This simple technique is an easy way for kids to get control of their thoughts. Focusing on slowly breathing in and out is a great tool for returning to the present moment and stopping negative thoughts. Once kids understand how their brains react under stress, they are in a better position to recognize when it is happening. Dr. Daniel Siegel provides an excellent way to help kids understand how the emotional part and the thinking part of the brain interact. He demonstrates using his hand as a model of the brain in a short video. Teaching your kids this simple model will give them a useful tool for remembering how their brains respond to strong emotions. Practicing Focusing Your Mind Being able to control negative thoughts takes practice. To help your children get better at controlling their thoughts, it’s helpful for them to practice focusing on their breathing for five minutes every day. Teach your children these three steps: Sit down for a few minutes with the goal of focusing on your breathing Notice when your mind wanders due to internal thoughts or external stimuli Remember the goal and go back to focusing on your breathing Let your kids know that everyone’s minds wander. This is normal and all they need to do is remember the goal of focusing on their breathing and come back to it. This breathing practice also allows your kids to notice the constant chatter going on in their heads. By focusing on their breathing, they have a tool for intentionally turning off the chatter. Noticing negative thoughts is the first step in purposely changing them.

Getting Your Kids to Eat Healthy

A mom wrote that she is struggling to get her kids to eat healthy. What kids eat can easily turn into a power struggle. Ultimately your children control the food they swallow. However, you control the food that is available to them.

Battling over food takes a toll on relationships plus makes meal time unpleasant. It is your job to provide healthy food and to teach your children why their bodies need healthy food. However, it is your children’s job to decide what to eat and how much to eat. This is an essential skill for all children to develop.

These are some ways we've found helped our kids eat healthier:

• Let them help prepare food. As preschoolers they helped with things like slicing strawberries and tearing lettuce.  As they got older, they helped make dinners.
• Make smoothies using fruits and vegetables - delicious and healthy! 
• Plant a garden.  My fussy eating young son would  gladly eat snap peas that he picked himself from the garden!  All the neighborhood kids love the raspberries and blueberries we grow.
• Let your children pick out a special fruit they'd like to have at the grocery store. 
• When your kids are hungry before a meal, put out something like carrots and grapes which they are welcome to snack on before dinner. 
• Let them do their own age-appropriate cooking. 

What has worked well for you in getting your kids to eat healthier? 

Help Me Do It By Myself

One parent wrote their biggest parenting challenge is "He's a toddler who wants all his independence but doesn't understand that he still needs help with things and he is very stubborn." Although this demand for independence is a sign of healthy development, it’s also exhausting for parents!

Toddlers and preschoolers are anxious to learn to do things for themselves but often need some guidance. This need for help along with the fact that they haven't mastered emotional regulation yet leads to frustration and meltdowns. Sometimes it's all a parent can do not to have a meltdown right along side them!

Find ways to encourage their budding independence by giving them as many tasks they can successfully handle. This is the perfect age to start letting them help out with simple chores. They love to help and practice new skills ... and soon enough they'll be old enough to handle these chores on their own.

For more ideas on parenting young children, check out the online parenting class for ages 5 and under.

Controlling Backtalk

One mom responded in a survey that her biggest parenting challenge is controlling backtalk. Backtalk is certainly something you don’t want to hear from your kids. It’s a sure fire way to push most parents’ buttons!

But can you control your children’s backtalk? I don’t think so. They ultimately control what words come out of their mouths. However, you can control your reaction to whatever they say. How you react will increase or decrease the likelihood that they will use backtalk in the future.

For example, when your child uses backtalk, you may say "I’ll be happy to continue this conversation when you are speaking with respect" and then walk away. This gives everyone a chance to cool down. You are also communicating that you won't stick around if they are using backtalk.

What if you’ve asked your child to feed the dog and he responds "Why do I have to do all the work around here?!" You might respond by saying "Thank you for feeding the dog" and walking away. What you want to avoid is taking the bait by answering the backtalk with something like "I do most of the work around here. All I ask you to do is a simple thing like feed the dog and you just complain." If you take the bait, you’re entering an argument and that will only encourage more backtalk in the future.

DANCE Parenting Classes: September 8th - 29th

Parenting is a dance you do with your kids. If you don't like their moves, take this class and learn how to change your lead!
Discover your children's strengths and increase their competence Aim for high expectations based on your children's developmental level Notice misbehavior and respond with reasonable, valuable consequences Control your reaction to stressful parenting situations Enjoy your children and take time to renew yourself
Priceless Parenting classes are grounded on decades of positive parenting experiences from real life situations and backed by the latest scientific research in child development. The DANCE Parenting Class combines the powerful online parenting classes with discussion and questions/answers with the class author, Kathy Slattengren, M.Ed.
Space is limited. Register today for one of these classes. Register by September 2nd for $199 $149! Yes! I want to join this parenting class. I understand that I will get: 11 audio/video parenting lessons, September 8th - 29th Interaction with the instructor, Kathy Slattengren, on each lesson Certificate of Completion for 10 hours upon finishing the course and filling out a questionnaire Participation in weekly conference calls I can share this course with my spouse or partner BONUS: a signed copy of the book How to Parent In Ways That Are Truly Helpful, Not Hurtful  Learn more and register for one of these classes: Ages 5 and Under  Ages 6 to 12  Ages 13 to 18  I hope you are able to join me!      Kathy Slattengren, M. Ed.      President, Priceless Parenting P.S. If you know someone who might enjoy taking this class, please do me a favor and share this with them.

Seeing Your Child's Behavioral Problems from Their Viewpoint

Why is my child behaving like that? Almost all parents have found themselves asking that question as they watch their child throw a tantrum, hit another child or refuse to cooperate. What is causing my child to misbehave and what can I do to change it?

These are the questions that pediatrician Claudia Gold has been asked many times by parents. Gold has discovered that listening to parents describe their child's behavior in specific situations along with their thoughts and feelings about the behavior provides valuable insight. Once the parents feel understood they are in a far better position to understand their child’s perspective.

Often the child’s behavior is connected to what is happening in the rest of the family. In her book Keeping Your Child in Mind: Overcoming Defiance, Tantrums, and Other Everyday Behavior Problems by Seeing the World through Your Child's Eyes, Gold tells numerous stories where she helped parents see those connections and better understand their child’s behavior.

Gold writes "Being understood by someone you love is one of the most powerful feelings, at all ages. For a young child, it is the most important of all experiences because it allows the child’s mind and sense of self to grow."

If you want some ideas about how to see the world from your children’s eyes, this book can help pave the way.

How to Build Healthy Relationships with Your Kids’ Teachers

Whether your children are in preschool, high school or somewhere in between, their teachers play a major role in their lives. Building positive relationships with their teachers will help your kids experience more success in school.

Your children need their teachers and those teachers need you. They simply cannot do the best for your kids without your help.

Noticing Problems at School

The advantage your children’s teachers have is that they work with many kids the same age and are good at noticing when a child is falling outside the norms either academically or socially. The advantage you have is that you know your child much better than any teacher. Both you and the teacher each contribute important information in understanding your child.

When a teacher comes to you discuss a problem with your child, it’s often a difficult conversation for both of you. As a parent, you are naturally sensitive to any perceived negative feedback about your child. It’s hard to hear your child is struggling without feeling defensive.

(finish reading the article on Priceless Parenting)