Helping kids learn to share

One mom reported that she and her husband had gone shopping with their two children. They purchased a scooter for their 4-year-old daughter and a large toy plane for their 2-year-old son. Both children were happy with their selections at the store. However, when they got home her son also wanted to be able to ride the scooter.

Since both children wanted to use the scooter at the same time, Mom helped them figure out how they could take turns. Although she taught them to use a timer to keep track of how long each child had, her daughter sometimes “helped” the timer along when it was her brother’s turn. He then protested that his turn was too short.

Mom got tired of the arguing and approached her husband about buying another scooter to fix the problem. Her husband thought this would only be a temporary fix and that the children really needed to learn to share. How would you have handled this situation?

Responding to “I hate you!”

When children yell “I hate you!” strong emotions are certainly being expressed. Perhaps you just told your child “no” to something she requested so you know why she is upset. In this case, you may want to respond with something like “I know you’re angry and I want you to know I’ll always love you.” This shows empathy while avoiding arguing.

Responding with “Don’t you ever say that to me!” or “How dare you talk to me like that!” will fuel the fire. While we would prefer our children not to say “I hate you”, by demanding that they not say it we are setting ourselves up for a potential power struggle. We are also teaching them how to push our buttons!

If it’s unclear why our child said “I hate you!”, find out by asking “I hear you’re upset. What’s going on?” This response gives us the opportunity to better understand our child.

It can be hard not to get defensive and yell right back at our child. However, taking the high road will build a more positive relationship.

Teaching children using debit cards

Jane described how her 11-year-old son, Nick, learned how easy it was to go through money after he got a debit card. He started his account with $250. Jane explained to him that if he withdrew money from an ATM with his bank, there was no fee otherwise there would be a $2.50 fee per withdrawal. He quickly replied that he understood.

He loved using his debit card to get money out for spending! While on vacation, he found many items to purchase like a cool stunt kite for $40. The campground game room had video games which took quarters. He bought some for himself and his brother who currently was out of money.

Jane reminded Nick that the reason his younger brother didn’t have money was that he didn’t save and may not be able to pay Nick back for awhile. Nick was happy to share his money with his brother since he had plenty of money he could get with his debit card.

Since Nick spends half his time at his dad’s house, Jane didn’t always know when Nick was using his debit card. One day Jane got an email notice from the bank that Nick was out of money in his debit account. Nick could not believe he was out of money! Jane printed out the statement of all the withdrawals. A number of withdrawals were from ATMs not associated with their bank. Nick was surprised to see that taking $2.50 out for each withdrawal really added up.

Nick decided to give his mom the debit card to hold. He thought the temptation to use it was too great and he wanted to work on saving up some more money. Jane used this experience to also discuss how easy it is for people to get in debt with credit cards. Nick learned a lot from his debit card experience!

Teaching sharing and fairness

Emma bought a Nintendo DS game with the understanding that her older sister, Brooke, would allow her to play the game using her Nintendo DS. Brooke told her sister that she would let her use the Nintendo DS sometime today but she didn’t know when.

An hour passed and Emma asked if now she could use the Nintendo DS. Brooke told her not yet. She explained “It’s my Nintendo DS. I bought it with my own money so I get to decide when you can use it.”

Although the girl’s Dad witnessed this exchange, he did not say anything. Unfortunately, he missed a golden opportunity to teach Brooke about sharing in a more appropriate, fair way. He also missed showing Emma how to successfully negotiate to get her needs met. Our children need our guidance to learn to treat others in caring, respectful ways.

Negotiation versus manipulation

When we negotiate with our kids, there is give and take with both parties cooperating towards a common agreement. On the other hand, when someone is being manipulative, they are working to get their needs met regardless of the other person’s needs. It does not feel good to be manipulated.

When we teach our children negotiation skills, we are showing them how to appropriately work towards getting their needs met while also taking into account the needs of others. For example, if our children want to listen to Radio Disney in the car but we want to listen to jazz music, we might agree to listen to two songs on one station and then two on the other one. This negotiated agreement is fair to both parties.

Our children may try to manipulate us by making irritating noises whenever the jazz station is on or saying “If you really loved us you would leave it on Radio Disney.” If we give in at this point and turn back to Radio Disney, our children will learn manipulating us works. This is not the lesson we want to teach them!

Windows of opportunity

As our children grow, there are moments when they are ready to tackle new skills. If parents miss these windows of opportunity, learning the skills later on can be more difficult. It also slows children’s growth towards independence.

One preschool teacher explained that 4 and 5-year-olds are ready to take responsibility for self care skills like:

• Taking off their jackets and hanging them up.
• Putting their lunch box on the appropriate shelf.
• Checking off their name on an attendance sheet.

She reported that some parents keep doing these things for their children long after their children are capable of doing it for themselves. At her preschool there is a 5-year-old girl, Abby, who simply walks into the school and stands with her arms straight out as her mother takes off her coat and boots and puts away her lunch. While other children are doing these tasks themselves, Abby is not.

Abby has difficulty making decisions in the classroom and knowing what to do without being told. For example, one day when it was time for lunch, the teacher asked Abby what she thought she should be doing. Abby looked confused and sat down. The teacher explained that actually she should be washing her hands before lunch.

It’s hard for children to learn to think for themselves when their parents do too much thinking for them.

Shaping children’s behavior

When parents discipline their children, the children learn what not to do. However, they may not learn what they should be doing instead.

Dr. Kazdin, a psychologist who has helped many defiant children, has carefully studied and applied research on shaping children’s behavior. He’s seen great success in using programs where kids collect points for doing certain behaviors and then turn those points in for rewards. He’s captured this process in his book The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

The method begins with parents thinking of the positive opposite of whatever behavior they want to stop. For example, if a child throws tantrums whenever it’s time to go to bed, then the positive opposite would be getting ready for bed, going to bed and staying there without screaming or hitting. Kazdin describes how to set up a reward system that encourages children in moving towards this new behavior.

One key aspect is that children are rewarded for small steps along the way. Parents are taught to give enthusiastic praise and points whenever a child performs a portion of the new behavior. The child can then earn rewards which can range from choosing what to have for dinner to earning a trip to the zoo. The reward program usually lasts only a few weeks until the child masters the new behavior.

You can learn more about the Kazdin method is his book: